Alice

Alice and I connected via eHarmony. She was a 25 year old girl from the suburbs. Very bubbly, very friendly, and very excited to meet me.

She came to my place and we went from here to dinner at a Mexican restaurant nearby. The food was really good. The conversation, not so much.

Alice had spent a lot of time talking to me on the phone over the previous week. Granted, she did most of the talking. She would talk. And talk. And talk some more. Don't get me wrong, she's an awesome girl, and very sweet, but she just talked a LOT. And the trend continued through dinner. I barely got a word in edgewise.

And the more she talked, the more I wondered what was running through that mind of hers. She talked about how she would use double the recommended amount of detergent in her laundry, so it would get extra clean.

"I don't think that's how it works," I said. "You're really just buying twice as much detergent as you actually need."

"Okay," she replied, "I'll try it your way, maybe..."

She talked about how she studied abroad in Mexico for a year, but yet, at the Mexican restaurant, she kept mispronouncing Spanish words. And not difficult ones, either. I'm talking about words like "salsa" (soltz-ah) and "tortilla" (tor-tee-luh). Had she not paid attention at all?

I decided to overlook these little things and just have a good time and enjoy her company.

Eventually, we finished eating, and the bill came.

"I've got it," I said.

"Oh, that's sweet!" she said. "Can I leave the tip?"

"Sure."

"How much?"

"Oh," I said, "whatever you think -- maybe 20%?"

"Okay!" she said, pulling a wad of $1 bills from her wallet.

The restaurant where we dined was my idea of the perfect restaurant -- good food and very low prices. The bill, for both of us, including margaritas, was $16. If Alice had left a 20% tip, that would be $3.20. However, the service was pretty good, so I'd even go up to 25%, or $4.

Alice plunked down seven singles.

"Is that right?" she asked.

I want to take a minute to point out that Alice is an accountant. An honest-to-god accountant. For a company. A company that pays people money to work there. I'm no math genius, but figuring out 20% of a modest restaurant tab isn't rocket science.

"Oh, no," I said, "I already paid for the food. It's on me." I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she wanted to go Dutch.

"I know, silly," she said. "I mean for the tip! Is seven dollars enough? Is that 20%?"

"The bill was $16," I said.

"Yeah," she said, "what's 20% of $16?"

"Three-twenty," I replied.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Uhh... Yeah," I said.

"Okay, if you say so."

We left, went back to my place and made out for a little while. Mexican food breath and all. It wasn't my brightest move, but again, I was giving her the benefit of the doubt.

I never claimed to be a saint. Besides, what if the whole 20% thing was just her sense of humor? What if she was just messing with me?

Over the next couple of weeks, we saw each other a few more times and had some similar experiences. I'll spare you the details, but I arrived at the conclusion that this girl simply wasn't all there.

Well, that, and the fact that every weekend for the next two months she would go out drinking with her girlfriends and drunk dial me. I know the drunk dial is, in many instances, a sign of affection. However, one drunk dial in particular, at about 6 PM on a Friday (she's a lightweight, apparently) is where I decided to draw the line.

While we were talking, I heard squealing tires and car horns.

"Alice," I said, "are you okay?"

"I'm doooooin juuust fine, bay-beeee," she slurred back. "This stuupid car in the stuupid road tried to hit me."

"Why are you walking in the road?" I asked.

"Where else aaaam I supposed to walk, silly?" she said. "Roads are for transportation!" she exclaimed, obviously very proud of herself.

"Alice, please hang up the phone and get out of the road. You're going to get hurt."

"Oh, you're such a worrywart," she said. "Worrywart worrywart worrywart!" She then started laughing.

"What's so funny," I asked.

"Worrywart is a funny word!"

More honking.

After she made it safely to the other side of the road, or at least out of the lane of traffic, she told me she'd call me later. I thanked her for the warning and decided at that point that I could not see Alice again.

It was for her own safety.