Party Girl

I have a theory about dating sites. The quality and appropriateness of the matches you receive is directly related to the amount of money you pay for your membership.

On eHarmony, I receive matches who are within a couple years of my age and who have similar relationship goals (i.e., children, marriage, etc.)

On OkCupid, the requirements for my matches are twofold: a vagina and a pulse.

While I'm definitely not knocking OkCupid or singing the praises of eHarmony, I firmly believe that because of the financial requirements of being a member of eHarmony results in a more serious and sincere membership base. In other words, you're a lot more likely, in theory, to be matched with someone on OkCupid who isn't as serious about finding a relationship as you are. And sometimes, the matches on OkCupid aren't really matches at all.

Take this match, for example. I don't know her name, and I have never tried to contact her. However, she was matched with me, despite the fact that she is a 20 year old party girl and I am a 30 year old homebody. We are clearly at two different stages in life, and I'm guessing she won't be ready to consider settling down for at least five or six years. Whereas I'm certain that if I tried to keep up with her lifestyle, I would be hospitalized from exhaustion and/or alcohol poisoning within six weeks. Here's an excerpt from her profile, complete with her punctuation and spelling errors:

On a typical Friday night I am

8pm- picking out my clothes....trial...error....trial...error....trial....error....trial....PERFECT!!
9pm-SHOWER
9.45pm-multi-tasking by pregaming and sittin a towel drying off ( i hate actually drying with a towel i like to just wait til i'm dry LOL)
10.30pm- rushing to get dressed because i sat too long! but going a little slow because i'm kinda buzzed!
10.45- arrive at my bestie's house and wait on her!
11.30- do my make up while she drives
11.40- arrive at jimmy john's to pick up that 11 with bacon to give to my favorite starving bouncer
11.50- get to the bar (wow i got the jimmy johns and to the bar in ten min...that's just because they're so freaky fast!) hand over the sandwich!
11.52- argue with the new bartender about how i truly am on so and so's tab!
11.54- hand back my drink because she forgot the lime!
11.55 to 3.00- try to have fun while being harassed by various men in the bar!
3.00- stumble out with my bestie
3.15- it's time to sober up....so we stop by jack in the box only to find out they're closed because we can never remember which ones are 24 hours!!
3.30- pass out! (not literally!)
12pm the next day- wake up hungover as hell and wonder why i spent 3 hours getting ready for 3 hours of fun!

Oh. My. God.

I am so far beyond the point in my life where anything about this girl's typical Friday night sounds appealing. Plus, she really doesn't seem like a person I'd want to get to know. At all. Ever. Here's why:

1. 10.30pm- rushing to get dressed because i sat too long! but going a little slow because i'm kinda buzzed!

That's so classy -- getting buzzed before heading to your "bestie's" house. I mean, unless your "bestie" lives a block away. And you can walk that far in what are undoubtedly at least five inch heels.

2. 11.40- arrive at jimmy john's to pick up that 11 with bacon to give to my favorite starving bouncer

God forbid you should have to stand in line and pay a cover charge like a normal person. I mean, seriously. You're better than that.

3. 11.52- argue with the new bartender about how i truly am on so and so's tab!

This is the thing that bothers me the most, as it implies that she is either A) dishonest, becuase she's weaseling her way onto someone's tab, or B) manipulative, because she has weaseled her way onto someone's tab.

4. 11.54- hand back my drink because she forgot the lime!

What a fucking self-absorbed brat.

5. 11.55 to 3.00- try to have fun while being harassed by various men in the bar!

Okay, on the off chance that the girl who wrote this profile is reading this blog, I'm going to take a minute and speak directly to you:

Girlfriend, please. They're not harrassing you. You fucking love the attention. Don't even act like you don't. It's the whole reason you go out to begin with.

Plus, I saw your pictures. You're wearing a short, low cut party dress in every single one of them. And in half of them, you're dancing on some sort of bar or raised surface. While your profile pictures did not verify it (thank god) I suspect you don't really mind it when the boys (i.e., the sleazy bipedal lizards who roam the club "scene" in St. Louis) get a glimpse of what's under the hood. Or, in this case, up the skirt. Modesty is not your strong suit. And neither is self-respect. I'm going to bet your vagina is hosting more bacteria than a petri dish at the CDC.

I could be totally off base, though. But I doubt it.